Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Date: Fri, 09 May 1997 13:49:23 +0600

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die. --- Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. --- What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass. --- What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand. --- What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. --- What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. --- Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. --- What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. --- Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. --- Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. --- What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick. --- What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet. --- What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea. --- If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. --- A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" --- For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." --- You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.